Being one vacation old!

In my travel forum (virtualtourist) I have described my mantra as "I live from one trip to the next" and that truly describes me well... So as expected being pregnant and having a baby has slowed the travel in my life tremendously! I spent the first three months of 2014 without realizing I was pregnant ! A good part of Jan was spent completing a trek in the Himalayas, followed by a vacation in North Bengal and Bhutan. Then we went to Aj's native place for pongal.. An amazing trip where we stayed at his uncle's pretty much palatial house! Then I made a visit to Bangalore on work and stayed the weekend there - we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary with my lovely eldest sister - she treated us at The Leela Bangalore.. And then came the discovery of being pregnant!!! With all my complications this in itself was fantastic news! But it did mean a complete clamp down on travel!! :-( so I spent the next few months waiting to deliver hoping atleast after that I can travel... However we did do a small stint away in Valparai with our dear friends Shyam and Hamsa!! But still- this is the longest travel drought I have had in probably the last twenty years!!! :-/

August -while I delivered Tu- her precarious health condition didn't allow Us to even think of an outing.. So it wasn't untilNovember this year that a vacation came to fruition..less a vacation and more a staycation ... ;-)  It was just a one night, two day stay at Mahabs.. But boy o boy,was i thrilled or what!!!!? 

The fun thing for us was Tu seemed to enjoy the getaway just as much as we did. Wondrous eyed she observed everything around her, she made herself comfortable in the room and stuck to her feed/sleep routines. The one memorable event was taking her to the sea..  She struggled to open her eyes to see the early morn glistening sea, but once she did her eyes were transfixed! Afternoon in the balcony she witnessed rain and welcomed it with a wonderful smile that lit up her face and ours! This was the moment I knew I had nothing to fear.. I always panicked thinking what after kids.. Can I sustain my passion - travel- after having a child?? But now I know it's going to be wonderful .. Different yes, but wonderful! As tu takes in all the new sights and coos in wonderment I am going to learn to cherish anew discoveries and realizations that she has! Going forward I am sure we will have more trips together and at some point we will graduate into trekking together  and traveling alone. But as I look ahead I just can't wait for it all to unfold and happen!! For now, let me cherish the fact that together we are  one vacation old, and yes it feels amazing to start counting again! :-)

Changing relationships and awkward silences

Something as simple as taking Tu out for a walk in the park within the apartment invites attention and with it a whole bunch of advice. I think all parents know that this isn't all-somehow with the arrival of a child everyone around us thinks we are in dire need of advice and instructions. My maid for instance- she has been cleaning my house for the last three years, we used to call her 'Rawalpindi Express', coz she'd work through her chores is a tearing hurry and literally run out of the house before! But after Tu, she seems to have all the time in the world. Every time she enters Tu's room she already has a couple of new 'instructions' to give me. Similarly with my cook, every ten mins she rushes out to check on Tu and give me some of her 'thoughts' on how to raise my three month old. Mostly the advice is dished out with good intention, but often they lead to some very awkward silences and meaningful pauses in conversations. For instance my maid will look at Tu and say: "You always need attention from the people in the house eh? Tell your mom that once she goes to office she is going to have a tough time keeping you occupied..." Similarly my cook- "Please madam don't get used to sitting on your granny's lap, you better start rolling over on the floor and staying independent". Our neighbours while we are out for a walk: "Tulsi madam, you need to keep your head covered, please ask Mummy to put a cap on your head, it is winter (in Chennai??!) alrighty". Poor Tu doesn't understand a word and she looks wide eyed at the people who are dishing out these advices!

I wonder what is it that makes people want to tell the lil one their thoughts and not tell me or her dad whatever advice they have..but having said that sometimes this dishing out advices gets really ugly. They try routing other problems thru the baby too!! Grouses they have against me or AJ!! That's when  the awkward quotient in our silences go wayyyy up... I do my best to refrain from a repartee coz I simply don't want this to become the norm in the house. Once I react I feel this will go on forever !! But having said that I cannot help wonder what makes people  do this??!

There are many things one doesn't realize before having a baby I guess. With some of your family fundamental values may be different, but since it doesn't affect your life in any ways, these differences were previously dismissed instantaneously. The arrival of a child in the equation changes this completely, the ability to dismiss statements, accusations and judgements just takes a plunge coz now it does affect your baby or you can very well see how it is surely going to affect your baby in the future as she grows up listening to these people. As you go about setting boundaries to others' actions you realize the extent of patience and thought that one needs to balance all of this out! From operational criteria such as not losing a maid to emotional criteria such as not hurting your parents feelings, we suddenly step up to manage a whole bunch of conversations and activities. At the heart of it all if you have ensured that you are truly only surrounded by well wishers, you have to keep in mind that most of this friction is unintentional and not malicious. It is after this realization that I have at least started recognizing the importance of meaningful pauses. I hear or see something, I give myself time to observe, absorb and realize the intention as well as the importance of the incident before I participate in it. This ofcourse means that life has suddenly developed the ability to pause before my eyes, to some extent rewind and replay before it goes on. Strange as it may sound I often feel like I am watching my own life pass by, ever more than ever before!! =))

Net off, I have come to realize that having a baby isn't the biggest change that's happens to us... Infact that part is the easiest. It is the changing relationships around you that feel like you are in the middle of an earthquake. However the good part is as you experience the tremors you are also realizing which are solid structures you can take shelter in and which are the perilous ones you'd much rather see fall apart- your relationships with the people around are slowly and steadily getting established- for good and for worse! With that thought I am riding by my fourth month, more later!!

Some fun some frolic!

Increasingly taking time off from being a parent is a need I have had... I can just hear a few of you take your breath in.. But there I said it!! Again let me reiterate for me it has been a NEED, not a wish, not an urge but a very real NEED. We have now officially completed three months of parenting and while I love Tu, it is extremely overwhelming to think I am indispensable to her, and she needs me with her ALL the time! I am sure other exclusive breast feeding moms will agree with me here...! I know some women who seemed to find this very endearing and heartening, somehow for me that hasn't been so. Everyday of these last three months have ended on a note of ten things I haven't done today which I meant to .. Could be things as simple as - dressing up, watching a sitcom I have never missed before, watching a movie, finishing up the novel I have begun etc - you get the gist. So finally yesterday Aj and I took a deep breath and said, let's try and make some 'me time' happen- when better than when both my sisters were around. (Eldest sis is here for Tu's naming ceremony and my sec sis lives next door despite which an outing by ourselves hadn't yet happened ). The plan was to head out late evening for a cuppa coffee n some desserts at the Taj Gateway in our neighborhood. I had to ping them once I could see a 2 hour window of opportunity and they'd help me 'getaway' while AJ manages our three month old little one. 

Sometimes I think all of nature connives against a new mom too. First it started to rain, the rusty corner of chennai we live in  wasn't quite designed to cope with rains. Jittery as I am with driving these days, as I pulled the car out of the parking lot I was dreading the 2 km drive to get to this place! As we hadn't fixed a particular time just as I thought I was ready to go and called my sisters to be told they were shopping at the nilgiris next door. I pulled up outside the store and even as I could see them at the billing counter my heart was pounding!!! Aaaargghhh don't they realize this is my only window of escape ... The Five mins they took to come out n get into my car seemed like twenty to me! I almost expected Aj to call me right there to tell me Tu was crying inconsolably .. Phew!but that wasn't what happened! Next as they got into the car n saw my apprehension we started wondering if it'd be a better idea to have taken Aj and Tu along!! We asked ourselves this some three timesby the time I had driven 500 meters!! Finally my selfish self recalled and I said I wanted me minus Tu time, so let's pls carry on as planned!  (Needless to say feeling very guilty about it!!) the road itself was pathetic, as we navigated the potholes we discussed how to plan future trips with Tu and Aj, even with Pendu (my bro-in-law ) and laya (my niece)!! Well life ahead is certainly going to need a lot of planning unlike before....:-/

Anyways we reached the restaurant and even as I sent the car for valet parking my mobile jingled.. An SMS - firstly my mobile was off silent for the first time today after three months !! So that itself was a strange feeling! Secondly was that Aj already??! - apprehensively I looked at the screen, phew! False alarm, it was just another marketing message.. For the first time I felt happy seeing it!! ;-)

The scented aroma of the reception area beckoned invitingly and we were in thru the rotating door. As we entered the 24/7 restaurant in this property I asked the staff to give me a nice cozy seat so I could put my feet up. Even as we settled in and dug ourselves into the menu card short listing appetizers and desserts ( that was a given, when we sisters got together we always skipped mains) I had a tremendously uplifting feeling! Immediate guilt pangs and I wondered if Aj remembered my data plan was kaput n hence watsapp wouldn't work...! My sisters allayed my fears saying a wailing baby plus a guy will surely find a way of communicating to the mom,so don't worry so much :-)))

Once we had ordered the food we resolved to talk about everything excepting kids n maids!! For a fleeting second there all three of us realized how much our lives had been relegated into minding these two things! However the thought was dismissed quickly and what followed was a riot of funny brainless conversations revolving around movies, food and other things! Before we knew it food was served and consumed and just as we were licking the plate clean of the last remnants of the yumm orange panna cotta my phone rang! And this time it was Aj!! He said I had five mins to get home and so we quickly signaled for the staff to get us the check and scooted back home!! 

I cannot help but comment on how uplifting this two hour break was for me!! By the time I got home tu was wailing for food and even as I sat down to feed her I had a un-wipe able grin plastered on my face! :-)) kudos to Aj for managing our three month old daughter and understanding my need for this break .. I think he had noticed my wistful look at him whenever he managed a team outing or friends meeting or office trips to other cities!! I do appreciate the kind of 'giving' relationship that I share with my daughter but at the same time it is a radical shift to go from living your own independent life to being shackled to a very needy living being in a matter of three months! I always thought pregnancy was prepping me for this new bonded life, but having lived it for three months now I can safely say pregnancy was nothing like this life- where all my movements are dictated by another soul, and the most important part of that is when I see how needy, fragile and naive that soul is, I truly have a hard time trying to do anything otherwise ..!! So it's a catch 22 of sorts.. However what struck me from my first 'getaway' was thank god I have my sisters around who have been thru these same feelings and who truly flank me when I need the support to make this happen and most importantly thank god for Aj! Who understands what I feel and does NOT judge my feelings NOR grudge these thoughts of mine! After all none of us are exempt from the traditional societal conditioning of how a mom needs to be selfless and sacrificial in her actions :-( !! So when I stole my little selfish time am glad I had these folks who understood why:-)

For now I think these two hours will last me another fortnight after which I have to see what else I may have a NEED for.. ;-) Till then let me sign off and continue to relish the memories from those two hours! :-) cheers! 

Have we just gone from two to three?

One of the biggest changes in life post a baby is how we are no longer just a couple! No 'just pack ya bags over the weekend, let's drive some place' or 'food is boring, let's eat out'. There is the 'baby factor' to consider, a factor that surely is not just one third of the equation!! ;-) in my two month stint I am convinced the weightage in the equation is actually inversely proportional to our age, weight or any other measurable metri =)) my shout out to expecting parents- don't underestimate this change! 

So how exactly does it affect our daily lives? AJ and I analysed over this weekend to realise the huge change our lives have undergone over the last couple of months. AJ's notes to begin with:

1. Expenses have doubled, not increased by one third

2. Outings have zeroed, his camera is gathering dust so is his bullet

3. Our YouTube time has almost vanished (no more Russell Peters or Vadivelu rehashes)

4. Bath, shave etc are luxuries at Tu's mercy, getting teeth brushed in the morning for us is a daily accomplishment!! =))

5. The 'unknown' in the day- could be colicky pain, growth spurt or plain ol' baby tantrum   Can be a real spoiler to any 'couple only' plan we make!!

Net off, it feels like an addition of an army in your life not a single 3 something kilo thingummy!! ;-P

From my perspective:

1. We have a full time maid - I cannot begin to describe what this entails as a change in our lifestyle. To summarize we no longer watch any English sitcoms at home :-/

2. Suddenly as a couple we are no longer self sufficient!! My sis comes over to help give tu a bath, we can't manage tu if not for my mom-in-laws' help, we struggle to make a trip to the doc n back on our own. Needless to say alone I may as well not exist!

3. No one, I repeat NO ONE comes home to see AJ n me anymore!! It's only to see the baby ;-) in a way I am beginning to enjoy how people see thru me n head straight to Tu or how I no longer have to 'keep the convo going'. There's suddenly plenty to chat about.

Net off to me, it seems like the house is an army these days - all of us tasked with various objectives to serve Tu's needs

The addition of a baby to the family makes us enormously dependent on everyone around us, and I can say this unequivocally this is not just going from two to three! But taken with a good sense of humor this is a great change, we certainly haven't added just another dimension to our life. We have added multiple dimensions all at once and life has exploded alive!! If all along we had a 'controlled social life' now it's completely the opposite, same with a clean house and organized tasking. I think the shortest way of describing this change is to frankly admit that Aj and I no longer 'control' anything about our lives =)) shocking as it may sound, in a strange sense it is also liberating and certainly (going by my sister's words) we surely feel welcomed into the parenting club :-D  there is some sense of fun in sneaking in a sitcom episode or in gesturing our thoughts to each other and when we laugh together at our dilemma- it is a cherished moment together, almost like gollum's "precious". ;-) So in a sense I guess tu is teaching me and Aj to cherish everything we have, unlike in the past - when it seemed more taken for granted. And in this context we certainly have gone from two to ten! :-)

My new job description

I never once doubted that being a parent was a round the clock job, but certainly I under estimated the demands it entails emotionally. Being a mother isn't easy, even as everyone around me constantly remind me that I need to forget my sleep, my looks or my everyday activities little do they realise that these are the most trivial aspects of being a mom! 

"The baby looks famished- are you feeding her enough? "(You have seen me feed her for 15 of the last 24 hours on the possibility of a growth spurt!! She has peed twenty times and pooped twice, where do you think it's coming from??) "Do you really have to catch up on sleep in the other room? The baby will miss you, she can sense your presence! "(Really? All she can sense is that I can feed her when she awakens, plus do I really want a daughter who misses me while I am still under the same roof??!!) "Can you please take your loo break after you feed her, can't you see she is wailing in hunger? " (Excuse me, while she can pee on me I can't pee on her you know! So please give me this minute!!) "Gosh she looks so tiny!! Are you sure she is gaining weight??" (Ask my arms and wrists- they are increasingly sore from lifting her for 20 of the last 24 hours!!) "She is sooooo gassy! Are you sure you are eating right??" (Hello?? Am eating just the 'allowed' four items, any more restrictions and I may as well starve!!) "Maybe you should just supplement her in take with formula, she needs to gain more weight...!" (I will if the doc asks me to, are you one??) 

While it's easy to instantaneously counter these questions (like I have laid out in parenthesis above) the truth is each one of these make me feel a tremendous sense of apprehension and guilt- do I know for sure this is the best I can do? As it is, there are one hundred things we discover about the baby every day- if one day her night ends on a colicky note the next seems to begin with a growth spurt. And then the wonder weeks, only leaves me wondering if the ability to coo to the fan is her latest skill!!? So the big question-Am I sure the baby is ok? Obviously the answer is no! I am after all only a first time parent though that has qualified me to be questioned by one and sundry ...! (Even by folks who have never had a baby and probably will never either !!!) Why is it that not once do the people who question our  actions and intentions pause to appreciate the tremendous change and effort we have made in such a short time knowing that it is after all in the best interest of the baby that we are acting?? At best what I get is "Yep, that's what being a mom is all about!"  Of course there are happy moments in the day....except I seem to have a tough time just taking solace from Tu's giggles and gurgles. Her sudden smile when she sees me or her endless cooing at the fan once she is fed well. She wears her heart on her sleeve and every time she reaches out a hand to grasp mine there is a warm fuzzy feeling inside that makes me question every doubt I ever had about this job!

Enough said I guess. For now it suffices to say after 7 weeks it has finally sunk in- I am a mom and my daily job description is 15 hours of guilt/anxiety, 4 hours of sleep and 5 hours of self doubt.

There's someone new in my life

In what seems like a blink of the eye, it's another fortnight gone! Gosh!! Where is my life and just how fast is everything in it changing?? 

Let me be honest, these first six weeks of Tu's life haven't been easy on us! First she got diagnosed with very severe jaundice and then we got stuck with a malicious pediatrician who thought he could leverage our parental anxiety to his commercial gain!! What it amounted to was a three week hospitalisation stint spent between gory blood/ urine tests for the baby and consulting some specialist surgeons/ doctors! For someone like me who has been in and out of hospitals almost all my life I was amazed to discover how different it all gets when you go thru the jig for your little one! 'Anxiety' was an entity that had crept into my everyday life and seemingly simple procedures that I haven't batted an eyelid for in the past , seemed dreadful when my daughter had to go through them. AJ and I are very blessed in that we have a family that rally around us like a protective cloak when the odds toughen... This instance was no different! My sisters and my in laws were at our beckon in no time at all- the initial few days as the doctor tossed us in and out of possible maladies such as haemolyses, IEM, intestinal obstruction, a malfunctioning liver etc these guys stood by us helping us assess and act as needed. maybe all parents go through this in the first six weeks (my heartless paediatrician kept telling us that) or maybe not.. Needless to say, each and every single day seemed like a freshly sprung nightmare on us!! :-( one thing though,  this phase sure made me realise life had possibly changed FOREVER -this 2.9 kilo addition that had happened to us felt like a one ton mass ripping right through our lives... There was someone new in our lives and there was something new about our lives!

But it would be unfair if I said this was all that had happened in these six weeks! I was surprised to know that after seven years of marriage I seemingly didn't know a side of my husband at all - every instance he got to be with Tu his eyes would moisten and every minute he held her he cooed meaningless nothingummies at her... Anyone who knows AJ well would understand my bewilderment - was this really the 'no nonsense' husband I'd been married to all along?? ;-) Then I got to see my mother in law squealing in laughter every time Tu made a new face at her, suddenly she seemed giggles galore! My father in law stands a feet away from Tu saying 'helloooo hellooo' making me reminiscent of the STD calls we'd make to Vidya when she was away at a hostel 15 years ago!! Speaking of Vidya- she was the aunt with the magic touch!! No matter how bad a tantrum Tu was in the middle of, she'd magically stop n start cooing or gurgling if Vidya picked her up... Really?? My sister of 33 years, huccome I never knew this about you??? :-)) Last but not the least my eldest sister Viji- my eyes popped out when I saw her singing to Tu.. In all my life I'd never heard her sing and here she'd go night after night cooing "row row row ya boat gently down the streeeam". Everyday it seems as if the people around me and my perception of them are changing... A look in the mirror tells me I have changed too... Tu has given me the excuse to meet, laugh and cry with all these folks! Never before have I felt this vulnerable and this needy at the same time! Never before have I felt this compelled to 'act' either...something about this little baby makes me want to act, react and correct everything that is happening around me. So if I have to be completely honest, these last 6 weeks has brought in my life a new 'me' and that I guess is the true someone 'new' in my life- the person I am still grappling to meet eye to eye and acknowledge....

From a month old mom

Probably all the experienced moms will scoff at someone like me writing about mommy-hood, after all I am only a month old at being a mom! Never the less, this last month feels like a lifetime to me and hence here goes- my notes about being a mom and how unlike many others around me who describe motherhood as being the best feeling ever, my description is probably motherhood is the toughest role yet in a woman's life.

To begin with, AJ & I had thought very little about being parents really...not because we didn't want to, just that life had kept us busy otherwise. I have had a precarious few years post marriage having undergone 3 abdominal surgeries in the last 7 years. If that weren't enough, work-wise we have had to do a stint out of country and that stole a  couple of years away from us even before we realised it. So early this year when we discovered I was pregnant it was a complete shocker... Aj was super thrilled and me as always I was super anxious... I have never been able to quite imagine myself as a parent! To be in a position to mould someone's life has always seemed a daunting task to me- not necessarily something I look forward to. Of course the other frightening thought is the CHANGE that having a child brings to one's daily routine! Almost every parent (mother or father) I have spoken to says, once you have a child you can forget this lifestyle you guys are leading now! Not sure they realise- those are not words any non-parent wants to hear!! :-P

So come July when my gyny asked me to be prepared for a delivery 'anytime' I was busy fretting at how this was all too soon and there is no way I was gonna cope with being a mom... however one huge hurdle to go- given my health a normal delivery was imperative, otherwise we were in for a lot of trouble. So i told myself to focus my energies on crossing that milestone first..so most of July was a mental workout telling myself I didn't have an option and I HAD TO have a normal delivery...I thought about this so often that even in my dreams I was telling myself to 'breath in and breath out' :-)). Ironically come 30th July and still there were no signs of me going into labor..but I had crossed an important milestone in number of pregnancy weeks. My gyny gave me a "hi fi" saying now whenever it is I went into labor it wouldn't be a pre-me baby!! :D Phew! That was a relief.. I never had any hopes of getting to a full 40 weeks, but even as we went home and celebrated this milestone we didn't anticipate that the very same night my water would break. In true movie style that is what happened and 1st August at 7AM my water broke...!! Thanks to the maternity classes I attended with Rakhi at Dwi I didn't panic, we knew we had 24 hours and hence calmly drove ourselves from Sholinganallur to Malar. (So much for all our plans of renting a service apt in Adyar closer to date blah blah). As we rushed into the hospital I was all the more terrified at the thought of yet another hospital stay for me and the horrifying 'labor' that I still had to go through. I will skip the trauma of the next 8 hours coz I really don't ever want to live through that again..>!! At 3:02 PM my daughter- Tulsi- was born and delivered into my hands. Let me be honest, this squirmy, bloody lil thingummy that the doc put near me evoked no maternal love at all... I was busy screaming to the doc to see if my abdomen was still in one piece or whether it had all been torn apart!!so the nurse quickly took the baby to give her a make over while the doc concentrated on stitching me up and getting me out of the labor ward. once done, all I could ask for was a cuppa coffee... ;-/ Never knew coffee was such a soother for me...takes an experience like this one to discover these things I guess!! :D

Soon they wheeled me to a room and that was when a nurse brought my lil one along- she was all bundled up and put in my hands and my o my, she was such a frail lil thingummy!!! I had no clue what to do with her, but I sure had a never ending grin plastered on my face!! :D AJ was super excited - he had been all thru my pregnancy my pillar of support. I really can't think of having done this without his support... he was with me in every maternity class, every doc visit and every minute of my labor too-guiding me to work on my breathing instead of concentrating on the pain that seemed to literally tear me apart. So when finally the baby arrived to us in the room, seeing AJ's excitement seemed like a lil something that I had given him in return for all of the last few months support he had shown. :-) But all the happiness was only that long, soon she was howling in hunger and all at once I was expected to know how to hold her, feed her, burp her blah blah blah. Let me be honest- I had never before handled such an infant before! Knowing my limitations I always maintained an arm's length distance from any new born I'd ever seen! So everything that was happening to me truly seemed like my worst night mare come true!!!! Plus all the expectations from everyone around me! "Oooohhh you are a mom now, how does it feel?" Anything one utters is immediately construed as "Look at how defensive she is about her baby, all her motherly instincts are up" ... Grrrr...most of it is just an onlookers comment that I was giving... I still couldn't believe I'd had a daughter...let alone have some 'motherly' instinct...!!

So has started a relationship- involving a baby girl who certainly seems to not know the meaning of life without the mother around and a mother (me) who certainly is clueless on the meaning of a life which constantly caters to the baby's needs!! I am not going to say it has all been great and fairy tale like 'happiness forever' but it has been one thing for sure- NOTHING LIKE WHAT MY LIFE WAS UNTIL 31st July 2014. I will not say I am waiting for more.. but I KNOW that there is plenty more coming my way! The pace at which this new life has taken off tells me before I know it I may not even remember my previous life in a few days from now... every seemingly simple thing I did (like being in office at MEPZ by 9:15 post brushing my teeth, having a bath, having my breakfast and driving 18KMS) seems soooo highly improbable!!  And so ends my musing on mommy-hood. More to come in the next few months!!