My message to Tulsi

All my life as a girl/woman I have been given to understand we have to fight for our equality among/boys/men. Becoming a mother is no different- I am constantly egged to demand that my spouse pick up on 50% of the parenting tasks. Having lived the life of a mother for the last 15 months and during the 9 months of pregnancy prior to that I have had one big realisation- men & women are not equal. We were never meant to be equal, we are so different and equipped so differentially that it seems rather moronic to talk about being treated as an equal. So as I mull over this thought I try and come to terms with what am I going to teach my daughter as she grows up on the concept of gender equality/inequality. And this blog is an attempt at summarising my message to Tu:

Men and women are wired differently, we bring contrastingly different skill sets to the table. It's important that both genders learn to understand what each one is 'capable' of doing and what they are absolutely 'incapable' of doing. Men can bear the brunt of financial 'giving', they derive immense pleasure in being financial providers. (Am not saying women are not financial providers, but it's just that that alone is never something that is going to be enough for us).Women bear the brunt of being emotional 'providers', we derive great pride in being able to provide emotional depth and assurance. (Again likewise for men, they can be emotional assurers too, but yet to meet a man who likes doing only that)Men can brush aside any occurrence or misgiving- they have the immense ability to 'move on'. Women can delve and endure at great length- both physically and mentally. As we take advantage of these unique skills that each gender bring to the table, life as a 'couple' starts taking form. The need to establish 'equality' -in my opinion -is very erroneous. All my life i have had the false expectation that we both need to be able to do the same things with equal effectiveness. This has only meant that constantly I have either berated myself or pushed myself to achieve things that I needen't have achieved at all to begin with... little have I realised that it is probably impossible for either of us to be 'equal' - ever! What would have helped is an early grounding that established certain boundaries on how men and women are physically, mentally and emotionally different. This understanding which life experience has brought in, has underlined the need to look into the eyes of my husband/brother and appreciate what they are bringing to the table and in turn appreciate my own self for bringing the rest to the table- without measuring who is bringing more or less. It has meant that I understand afresh that there are instances when I contribute more (I go through pregnancy, I physically endure more to deliver, I physically and emotionally drain more as a mother), however I also hold my head up in pride knowing I am doing all of this coz only I CAN do the needed here. I know my husband is bringing a whole array of other contributions to the table...none of which can be compared to the ones I am doing...they are not 'equal' and hence they cannot be compared. At the end of of it all this thought convinces me all the more that as individuals we should cherish each gender's uniqueness and ensure at every step of the way we give the opposite sex their due. If my father, husband, brother, son, friend etc just pause with acknowledgement of what is 'due' to me I am sure I will feel more cherished as a woman and that in all reality is as good as it gets! I am hoping the same is true of the opposite sex! ;-) With this note I shall pause and hope I am able to instil this at an early age to Tu- stop comparing yourself to the men in this world, this life is not about equality my dear, it is about grace- the grace to pause and give each one their due! :-) The rest (as is often said) is history! 

A Phoenix in the making after maternity leave

It is amazing how much more understanding your colleagues are to your situation when you get back to work after the loss of someone dear and near to you. In the past year alone I have seen two of my colleagues lose their parent and seen the entire team rally around them to pour in support and help. It was a matter of pride for me that I belonged to one such team that was empathetic and sympathetic to anyone in need- especially after a 'life event' such as bereavement. However I am rudely awakened to realize this doesn't extend to pregnancy or becoming a mother. While everyone is quick to jump on the congratulatory bandwagon, very few if any, actually stop by to enquire after you or how you are coping. Instead it is invariably a game of 'wait n watch' to see if and how you have changed pre- and post-motherhood. In my mind, becoming a parent is also one such event- it is a life event. One that shakes up your core and leaves you panting for every breath of life you must take in order to keep your sense of balance and sense on. As a woman coming back after maternity leave into corporate routines again, let me tell you- child birth is indeed a LIFE EVENT. if you thought just because we live in a nation of 1 billion this whole cycle of events is common place or a matter of everyday happening- gosh then think again!!

When colleagues say "you are not the same as before maternity", maybe you have just changed as a person or your priorities are elsewhere I feel like shouting back a biggg YES!! Would anyone of them think of telling the same thing to a guy who has just lost his parent??? Why is it that in the event of a loss of life we pour in more sympathy than in the event of birth of a life?? If in the former you have to grapple with a sense of loss and emptiness, in the latter what we feel is a sense of excess and feeling overwhelmed. It is a huge onset of responsibilities at a pace you never thought possible and everyday life suddenly turns into a series of unplanned events and 'change of plans' agendas! Couple this with an attempt at two working parents with very little support then undoubtedly this is far bigger than bereavement or any other life event. The apathy with which one looks pityingly upon a fellow colleague who is grappling with this situation is appalling... my own sense of pride in belonging to an empathetic team is slowly evaporating as I see it happening to me. Needless to say work life has become a series of days that I no longer look forward to and one in which every slight mistake is getting thrown back at me as a sense of lack of confidence or oversight on my end. While it is rational to say this is your personal life and at work it is translating into lesser productivity, the same can be said of health issues, bereavement and any other such circumstance. Yet none of these other occurrences lead to the wrath of the corporate leaders like this 'maternity problem' does.

So i decide to take stock and think of how I could have avoided this pitfall and what I need to have done differently and what I now need to do differently? When I look back, I know I gave it my 120% during my pregnancy, now in hind sight i feel I could have stepped off the pedal and taken it easy, it don't matter how much harder I try, an impending maternity leave signifies my career will slacken and ratings will normalize. Prior to heading off on maternity leave I didn't plan on the kind of role I would like to come back to, I should have assigned myself to a mentor to seek guidance on planning my maternity leave better. Maybe I could have had a monthly touch base just to stay appraised of the happenings in my team, maybe I could have regularly checked my emails and ensured I stayed on relevant distribution lists. This would surely have negated my sense of apprehension on feeling disconnected when I get back (and yes this did happen when I got back). Thirdly once I joined back, I should have proactively sought to ensure I get greater visibility into the current happenings within my team. Fourth- I was anyways coming back to a normalized track, I shouldn't have accepted a challenging role, I should have anticipated that I would be judged at every step of the way, there is bound to be pre- and post-maternity comparisons, I need to accept that post maternity things wont be th esame no matter how hard you have thought or mentally how hard you have fought. That acceptance alone can go a mile in ensuring you are biting off what you can chew, while you are proving yourself as a new parent you certainly don't need more points to prove.

Now going forward here is what I plan to do- take a step back and look at how I can ensure I accept work that is only ten hours of work every week day, there is no point in trying to measure up to everyone else's yardstick. Setting some work schedule boundaries and sticking to it so that i can ensure i get my daily quota of six hours of sleep everyday (Yes I am behind on this quota by like some 8 months). Pause and ask others who are back from maternity leave around me if they are struggling too and offer any tips I can to help :) (Thats a biggg to-do in my list going forward). In some sense, maternity does set you back a bit, after all your baby has really roughed you up before coming out and softened your edges once she is out. There is invariable change in me, all the more enraging when others point it out. But I think at the end of it all, I need to accept I have changed and move on, remember that this is a life event i am dealing with (just like when I lost my mom or my gran). I need to back off on myself and stop trying to prove so hard that I haven't changed..... there you go- I said it. Yes i have changed, I have some distance to go to catch up work wise..but am I any less productive- god no! Only I know how much more i m cramming into my 24 hours, I cn truthfully say I have NEVER done so much before! Only now have I realized what it means to rise from the ashes... I look in the mirror and doubt not that I am a phoenix in the making..... :)

Seeing my husband becoming a father

Very early in our marriage we went through some testing times... I underwent some major surgeries due to abdominal issues and it has only gotten worse since. But having said that I have always felt those incidents only tested and strengthened our relationship. Despite all odds AJ ( Aravind Jayaraman) has always encouraged me to look on the brighter side and lead as normal a life as possible. We have traveled through jungles and trekked on mountains all of which I know I could have never done without him!! So when I became a mother too I guess I have looked at him for emotional and physical support and I must say he has been there 100%. There is so much I am learning from him as I see him being a father to my daughter!

The one thing that has been clear is how AJ clearly prioritises what is good for Tulsi rather than what he 'likes' doing for Tulsi. Simple things such as carrying her through the day or letting her sleep on lap- he ensures these are a big no. Even in larger issues he is very clear that Tulsi will become what she is happy to become. Not once do I hear him say she will be a good photographer or any other such aspirations for her! I must confess that I have struggled to keep up with him on these things but I do genuinely try to.

The second thing I admire about how he handles fatherhood is how he can walk out of home without worrying about Tulsi, he has this innate sense of assurance that all will be well. He is like that about life too.. Doesn't spend much time fretting about what is not in front of him. As I get back to work this is something I am trying my best to adopt.

The third thing that AJ has taught me as a father is to ensure I put the child and my happiness at par. When we have people around us pass judgement on us as parents or otherwise, he is clear that they don't have a right to. Much as we may be in need of such people for Tulsi's care he has insisted that Tulsi cannot be raised lovingly if we ourselves are not happy parents. I increasingly see the merit in this reasoning as the days go by- this has also meant that we consciously stay away from situations where we hold our emotions in to please/respect someone but take that angst out on Tulsi- something I have seen others do.

Last but not the least, AJ has taught me that raising Tulsi is our responsibility. We shouldn't be dependent on anyone to do this, having a child was our conscious decision and hence raising it should be our prerogative too. This has increasingly meant we have very little expectations from people around us and hence have felt less 'let down' etc. Every  help we have received has felt very generous and we really have little to complain. Most contingencies are planned keeping in mind our time and effort. And it has only reiterated the fact that the first right on Tulsi is ours as parents and none else's. Similarly there is no one to pass the buck to, the buck stops here.

This fathers day let me raise a toast to the two fathers I know- everyone knows how much I adore my own dad, he taught me everything that made me what I am. But seeing my husband becoming a father has taught me what a shift it needs to be a parent and given me the lift to get there as a mother. I know a lot is said about being a mother in the society we live in, but from my experience so far a father is no less and infact needs to be a guiding light for the parenting couple. After all we all know how anxious a mother hen often gets and how she can focus on the never ending details of everyday life only to reach an old age that seems replete with sacrifices made and battles lost. So cheers to you my husband, am super glad you are a father now and super proud to share this parenting journey with you!! Happy fathers day!!

When I become a grandmother

When I become a grand parent there are certain things I want to remind myself:

1. This whole experience is about my child, secondly it's about my grandchild. Definitely it's not about me.

2. If my child wants to raise her child differently- thats her RIGHT to do so. She is not sitting any judgement on me. After all if she decides to have a child she has every right to determine how to raise the child she has brought to life

3. I should do what is good for the grand child, even if it is something I am uncomfortable about

4. My child has ENOUGH on her plate, being a new mom is not easy. But being judged is even worse and it is very very purposeless. I should encourage her to be confident in her doings and thinking, my role is predominantly to reassure her that NOONE can have a greater claim to her child's interests

5. I need to adjust to my child's asks, I have every right to say no to her asks but i have no right to acquiesce and act like I am doing this world a favour.

6. I will continue to have a life- apart from that of my child's or my grand child's.

7. I will give the parents and their child time and space. they need both of that equally.

8. I will research and re-research before i dish out advice, what I did may be outdated and irrelevant to my grandchild's well being.

9. I will do whatever it takes to make my child and her child happy, I will continue to pay attention to what matters to my child even after I have a grand child.

10. I will NOT compare my grandchild to any other child EVER!!! I will not compare my child to any other child too!

I am NOT fighting the system :-)

Late night whatsapp is a norm these days, Tu's going thru some separation anxiety and hence every couple of hours as she topples over in her crib and starts mumbling 'Mamma maaamaaa..' and hence, my night duties are getting fiercer. Ironically a touch of my hand or ten mins of laptime and she goes back to sleep...while I am left blinking awake and wondering what the hell to do??!! So more often than not I find myself sandwiched between a mumbling Tu and a snoring AJ - lying wide awake and checking whatsapp to see who will give me company...! Yesterday was no different and chance conversation on why I am NOT publishing this blog on FB had me thinking.....and the answer is this:  this is my rant corner and I don't want to open this up to scrutiny to some parts of the family and hence I am going to let it be. Blog sharing is not a battle thats on my priority list for now- the question that was asked was why am i giving in to the folks who are judging me? Yes I am, but then I am not fighting the 'system'. I am not fighting people who say any of the following and let me also share the reasons why I am not one of the new age women who will holler till someone takes notice. (believe me, I have given this a lot of thought...after all if you thought women didn't have equal rights you will have no hesitation in agreeing that among parents a mom certainly isn't accorded any equal rights!!). I am NOT fighting this system coz I have come to realise that is not the journey I want to take, I don't want this mommyhood to be a constant agitation to prove a point to someone or anyone and I probably can only explain by elaborating on why I have come where I currently am. So without further ado- here goes:

There's nothing as gratifying as motherhood: Ohhh yessss, I have had many women and men tell me this mother of all motherhoods!! My initial few months I'd heartily fight the person who was telling me this but later I realized that I don't have to necessarily take this as a special status upgrade/downgrade, come to think of it there is NOTHING as gratifying as being in my current state of being and yes fortunately or unfortunately my current state of being is MOTHERHOOD. In fact nothing has been as consuming in my life as my current state-this is probably the first time that I don't even have time to brush my hair or second glance at myself in a mirror! In this tense(which is a mild adjective to describe how I am btw) state of being if I am going to further agitate by refusing to think of my current state as gratifying it only leads to further angst. So take a deep breath mommy and start enjoying the gratification :-) After all we make our own gratification and oh yes, I end every night thinking how grateful I am to have survived this day!! =))

How will you manage both work and the baby??? This is the second worst thing everyone tells a new mom, typically this is followed by 'who is taking care of your baby at home?' (esp when people meet you in office, this is the first question they pop). My initial days back at work I'd bristle at the question wondering if anyone asked my husband this when he got back to work and why I need to be singled out. Sometimes I'd think maybe I can just politely tell the person it's none of your business to ask me this. But then again this is the 'system' and this is how everyone is keyed- to believe it takes a gargantuan support mechanism to 'let' a mom go back to work and despite that she is never competent enough to take on the kind of challenges that she did prior to the baby!!! Condescending as that seemed initially, off late I have let this pass too. Am I happy with my job? (Yes) AM i happy with my salary (Yes) If I am not being used to my fullest potential- is that my loss? (No) Lets ignore the comments for the moment, could this have happened even otherwise? (Yes) Errrr...... so what am I getting worked up about? That some people are cutting me some slack and lessening my work under the assumption that I may not be able to cope? In the loooong career that I plan to have if this implies I don't move up the ladder for a couple of years, then so be it. But I am surely not going to go chasing additional challenges just to prove someone wrong. To err is human and to definitely err in judgement is corporate... That's my take. :-) This too shall pass and if I am truly hating my job/salary I will surely search for a new job...like I'd have done even prior to the baby. For now comfort zones seem the right place to be in... I will leave it at that.

Baby is the most important thing in your life now: As a new mom it is the most irritating thing when someone tells you how you don't matter anymore and only the baby does. In fact as a new mom it doesn't take much to get irritated, but this one really irks the most. Drop of a hat and your family, the maids, friends, strangers - EVERYONE thinks it's ok to belittle you and pointedly remark about how they couldn't care if we existed or no, but they do tremendously care about how my baby is and what she is up to? Needless to say this was the other thing that would drive me up the wall. But you know, fight it as I may the truth is that the baby IS a very important part of my life and even left to myself I do prioritise her needs over mine. I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I put my needs above that of this child who certainly is darned helpless without me. So at some point in these eight months I have resolved t the fact that I don't really matter anymore ..!! But at the same time when my husband or my sisters or my best friends take the time out to point out to me that I do matter- it means a LOT to me and it reiterates why these folks are a biggg, indispensable part of my life :D And just because I am saying this right now doesn't mean I have stopped living for myself, it only means I know what I am choosing to do and why - just like I knew when all my life I chose to tell the truth, to stand by what I believe in and care for my near ones through their ups and lows- it is coz this is the only way I know to be and this is the only form that I will be happy with. So taking a step back and looking at it helped me realize that this is just a continuation of life as I have led it before the baby.. I don't have to spend all my living energies in trying to underline to every tom, dick and harry about how I do matter and everything. I'd much rather put my head down and get back to my (already overwhelming) day to day activities and try and beat the 24 hours that a day now is... :D

Net net, here's what I am getting at- the system is the way it is, critical of a mom as it is of any other type-cast relationship. As a mother I have enough important battles on my hand and hence I am choosing to let the system be and let people make these 'time tested' remarks and judgements on my motherhood. My space is now reduced to a small niche in this system where I have plonked my plushest pillow and settled in comfortably. I am at ease with the fact that I am a part of this system and I very much fit into every judgement that comes my way and yet, I am me. I continue to be and live the way I have, to that extent motherhood hasn't changed me. That's that! :-) 

A paradigm shift

Too many definitions are changing in my life as a mom! :-D

1. A day begins when baby wakes up and ends when baby sleeps.... the sun has no role to play in the definition of a day anymore! Also a day does not have 24 hours, in fact am not sure what it has...!

2. Silence is when baby is feeding. Maybe I should rephrase that to read ONLY when baby is feeding.

3. If I am buttoned up I am ready to meet visitors...that's as dressed up as I get.

4. A normal day is when the baby does as expected AND nothing else falls apart! It is rare, maybe I only dream of it.

5. Middle age is when you have a baby.

6. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction: More the baby cries for me, more I feel like running away.

7. My house is no longer my space.

8. Washing clothes remains in continuous present tense, ALWAYS.

9. Gravity is a very powerful force...it even weighs on my eyelids. (Oh yes, I have rediscovered my eyelids!!)

10. Husband and wife talking to each other on whatsapp is no longer hilarious! It's completely understandable. (Maybe I will soon understand the need for spouses to check in on FB too)

11. Healthy family is an oxymoron. One of us is bound to be sick all the time.

12. Serials/movies with subtitles are practical not hilarious, yes even if we can understand english we need subtitles to watch TV. (Which is only on mute these days)

13. There are only three kinds of people: People with older kids are wise, people with younger kids are in need of advise, people with very old kids are plain condescending.

14. Maids are the people in control of your life. Period.

15. Joints hurting is as much second nature as breathing.

16. I love changing channels as much as my husband.... ssshhh maid's watching.

17. Things needn't be nonsensical to irritate me.

18. Doctors should provide their mobile numbers, what do you mean they have a life??

19. A five day vacation is a rushed vacation. We need another vacation to recover from such vacations.

20. Life is full of 'big' decisions- Who gets to hold the baby for her next vaccine, to leave baby on the floor or carry baby, to feed baby or make baby sleep, to burp or not to burp, go for a walk or play at home.......

Am sure you get the drift by now... ;-)

Getting back to work

Before I became a mom it was such an easy decision to make- so what if I have a baby??!!! Of course I will get back to work..I don't want to be sitting at home focusing all my energies on my child and family- for someone like me that is going to be sooo very tough!! Now that I have become a mom, wow!! Things are soooo different. From today it is 50 days to go before I get back to work...and already I have 100 doubts on how the heck am I gonna be able to actually get back to work and juggle all the various things I will have to do in one day???? I still need to find another maid so that I have a fool proof mechanism at home even in case my husbands parents are unable to come on a working day. I still have to decide how to start Tu off on semi solids and am wondering what I will do if she doesn't take to it as I expect her to? I am hoping and praying she adjusts well to bidding me good bye every morning and greeting me with her wondrous smile (that she now reserves for her dad) when I get back home everyday! And most importantly I pray to God I have the mental strength and stamina to cope with the pressures of being a mom and a working woman!! Phew!!! What has happened to me? And why have I changed so much???

On one hand I know my support mechanism is bound to be a bit impaired coz my mom is not around- I need to face it- it's a simple fact of life! This makes me more dependent on my husbands family (fair o unfair on them, this is how it is). Secondly, finding trustworthy maids in Chennai sure seems to be a thing of the past. Our last experience with having a full time maid was totally disastrous!! I almost came to a point where either I'd have pushed the maid off our balcony or jumped off myself!!! :-| Last but not the least, unlike in our parent's generation, ours' are not jobs that have a certain 'begin' and 'end-time' to it... Being in Retail Consulting I know that my work hours will be determined by the particular role or project I get into!! So all in all, it amounts to this, I just have to suck it up and take a leap of faith by returning back to work and let things work themselves out!! Come to think of it- that sounds like what most of my life has been... ;-) And for all the cribbing that I do about wanting to go back to the pre-baby life, it is in a way ironic that at times like this when I do get the opportunity to do so, it is just ME being apprehensive and pessimistic about doing it!

So as I get closer to getting back to work, I am trying to take things one day at a time. Enjoying the precious time I am getting with Tu and celebrating her every milestone as her (yet to be a year old)life unfolds in front of mine. I am again beginning my journey of lessons in life and learning to accept that I cannot predict everything that happens in the future, I just need to (like always) bide my time, hang in there, try my best and take it as it comes. Nothing has changed in any of this from the past and I need to acknowledge that it is in my hands to continue to keep life the way it was before Tu. Life happens and decisions follow, we moms just have to learn to leave it at that. This unending need to keep everything in control- has to go! Phew......even as I say it, I know this one is going to be easier said than done!