Changing relationships and awkward silences

Something as simple as taking Tu out for a walk in the park within the apartment invites attention and with it a whole bunch of advice. I think all parents know that this isn't all-somehow with the arrival of a child everyone around us thinks we are in dire need of advice and instructions. My maid for instance- she has been cleaning my house for the last three years, we used to call her 'Rawalpindi Express', coz she'd work through her chores is a tearing hurry and literally run out of the house before! But after Tu, she seems to have all the time in the world. Every time she enters Tu's room she already has a couple of new 'instructions' to give me. Similarly with my cook, every ten mins she rushes out to check on Tu and give me some of her 'thoughts' on how to raise my three month old. Mostly the advice is dished out with good intention, but often they lead to some very awkward silences and meaningful pauses in conversations. For instance my maid will look at Tu and say: "You always need attention from the people in the house eh? Tell your mom that once she goes to office she is going to have a tough time keeping you occupied..." Similarly my cook- "Please madam don't get used to sitting on your granny's lap, you better start rolling over on the floor and staying independent". Our neighbours while we are out for a walk: "Tulsi madam, you need to keep your head covered, please ask Mummy to put a cap on your head, it is winter (in Chennai??!) alrighty". Poor Tu doesn't understand a word and she looks wide eyed at the people who are dishing out these advices!

I wonder what is it that makes people want to tell the lil one their thoughts and not tell me or her dad whatever advice they have..but having said that sometimes this dishing out advices gets really ugly. They try routing other problems thru the baby too!! Grouses they have against me or AJ!! That's when  the awkward quotient in our silences go wayyyy up... I do my best to refrain from a repartee coz I simply don't want this to become the norm in the house. Once I react I feel this will go on forever !! But having said that I cannot help wonder what makes people  do this??!

There are many things one doesn't realize before having a baby I guess. With some of your family fundamental values may be different, but since it doesn't affect your life in any ways, these differences were previously dismissed instantaneously. The arrival of a child in the equation changes this completely, the ability to dismiss statements, accusations and judgements just takes a plunge coz now it does affect your baby or you can very well see how it is surely going to affect your baby in the future as she grows up listening to these people. As you go about setting boundaries to others' actions you realize the extent of patience and thought that one needs to balance all of this out! From operational criteria such as not losing a maid to emotional criteria such as not hurting your parents feelings, we suddenly step up to manage a whole bunch of conversations and activities. At the heart of it all if you have ensured that you are truly only surrounded by well wishers, you have to keep in mind that most of this friction is unintentional and not malicious. It is after this realization that I have at least started recognizing the importance of meaningful pauses. I hear or see something, I give myself time to observe, absorb and realize the intention as well as the importance of the incident before I participate in it. This ofcourse means that life has suddenly developed the ability to pause before my eyes, to some extent rewind and replay before it goes on. Strange as it may sound I often feel like I am watching my own life pass by, ever more than ever before!! =))

Net off, I have come to realize that having a baby isn't the biggest change that's happens to us... Infact that part is the easiest. It is the changing relationships around you that feel like you are in the middle of an earthquake. However the good part is as you experience the tremors you are also realizing which are solid structures you can take shelter in and which are the perilous ones you'd much rather see fall apart- your relationships with the people around are slowly and steadily getting established- for good and for worse! With that thought I am riding by my fourth month, more later!!

Some fun some frolic!

Increasingly taking time off from being a parent is a need I have had... I can just hear a few of you take your breath in.. But there I said it!! Again let me reiterate for me it has been a NEED, not a wish, not an urge but a very real NEED. We have now officially completed three months of parenting and while I love Tu, it is extremely overwhelming to think I am indispensable to her, and she needs me with her ALL the time! I am sure other exclusive breast feeding moms will agree with me here...! I know some women who seemed to find this very endearing and heartening, somehow for me that hasn't been so. Everyday of these last three months have ended on a note of ten things I haven't done today which I meant to .. Could be things as simple as - dressing up, watching a sitcom I have never missed before, watching a movie, finishing up the novel I have begun etc - you get the gist. So finally yesterday Aj and I took a deep breath and said, let's try and make some 'me time' happen- when better than when both my sisters were around. (Eldest sis is here for Tu's naming ceremony and my sec sis lives next door despite which an outing by ourselves hadn't yet happened ). The plan was to head out late evening for a cuppa coffee n some desserts at the Taj Gateway in our neighborhood. I had to ping them once I could see a 2 hour window of opportunity and they'd help me 'getaway' while AJ manages our three month old little one. 

Sometimes I think all of nature connives against a new mom too. First it started to rain, the rusty corner of chennai we live in  wasn't quite designed to cope with rains. Jittery as I am with driving these days, as I pulled the car out of the parking lot I was dreading the 2 km drive to get to this place! As we hadn't fixed a particular time just as I thought I was ready to go and called my sisters to be told they were shopping at the nilgiris next door. I pulled up outside the store and even as I could see them at the billing counter my heart was pounding!!! Aaaargghhh don't they realize this is my only window of escape ... The Five mins they took to come out n get into my car seemed like twenty to me! I almost expected Aj to call me right there to tell me Tu was crying inconsolably .. Phew!but that wasn't what happened! Next as they got into the car n saw my apprehension we started wondering if it'd be a better idea to have taken Aj and Tu along!! We asked ourselves this some three timesby the time I had driven 500 meters!! Finally my selfish self recalled and I said I wanted me minus Tu time, so let's pls carry on as planned!  (Needless to say feeling very guilty about it!!) the road itself was pathetic, as we navigated the potholes we discussed how to plan future trips with Tu and Aj, even with Pendu (my bro-in-law ) and laya (my niece)!! Well life ahead is certainly going to need a lot of planning unlike before....:-/

Anyways we reached the restaurant and even as I sent the car for valet parking my mobile jingled.. An SMS - firstly my mobile was off silent for the first time today after three months !! So that itself was a strange feeling! Secondly was that Aj already??! - apprehensively I looked at the screen, phew! False alarm, it was just another marketing message.. For the first time I felt happy seeing it!! ;-)

The scented aroma of the reception area beckoned invitingly and we were in thru the rotating door. As we entered the 24/7 restaurant in this property I asked the staff to give me a nice cozy seat so I could put my feet up. Even as we settled in and dug ourselves into the menu card short listing appetizers and desserts ( that was a given, when we sisters got together we always skipped mains) I had a tremendously uplifting feeling! Immediate guilt pangs and I wondered if Aj remembered my data plan was kaput n hence watsapp wouldn't work...! My sisters allayed my fears saying a wailing baby plus a guy will surely find a way of communicating to the mom,so don't worry so much :-)))

Once we had ordered the food we resolved to talk about everything excepting kids n maids!! For a fleeting second there all three of us realized how much our lives had been relegated into minding these two things! However the thought was dismissed quickly and what followed was a riot of funny brainless conversations revolving around movies, food and other things! Before we knew it food was served and consumed and just as we were licking the plate clean of the last remnants of the yumm orange panna cotta my phone rang! And this time it was Aj!! He said I had five mins to get home and so we quickly signaled for the staff to get us the check and scooted back home!! 

I cannot help but comment on how uplifting this two hour break was for me!! By the time I got home tu was wailing for food and even as I sat down to feed her I had a un-wipe able grin plastered on my face! :-)) kudos to Aj for managing our three month old daughter and understanding my need for this break .. I think he had noticed my wistful look at him whenever he managed a team outing or friends meeting or office trips to other cities!! I do appreciate the kind of 'giving' relationship that I share with my daughter but at the same time it is a radical shift to go from living your own independent life to being shackled to a very needy living being in a matter of three months! I always thought pregnancy was prepping me for this new bonded life, but having lived it for three months now I can safely say pregnancy was nothing like this life- where all my movements are dictated by another soul, and the most important part of that is when I see how needy, fragile and naive that soul is, I truly have a hard time trying to do anything otherwise ..!! So it's a catch 22 of sorts.. However what struck me from my first 'getaway' was thank god I have my sisters around who have been thru these same feelings and who truly flank me when I need the support to make this happen and most importantly thank god for Aj! Who understands what I feel and does NOT judge my feelings NOR grudge these thoughts of mine! After all none of us are exempt from the traditional societal conditioning of how a mom needs to be selfless and sacrificial in her actions :-( !! So when I stole my little selfish time am glad I had these folks who understood why:-)

For now I think these two hours will last me another fortnight after which I have to see what else I may have a NEED for.. ;-) Till then let me sign off and continue to relish the memories from those two hours! :-) cheers!